Fret Not Zombies

When a comet comes too close to our blue planet
Scientists aim scopes and eyes at sky hoping to scan it
In the inevitable cloud of cosmic micro-dust
Is a formula that unleashes zombie blood lust
For days after we rid ourselves of the scourge
We beergratulate each other for a successful purge
But, wait, just a mo, a sec, wait eine minuten
Maybe we should think before we start shootin
Zombies never hurt anyone, they are just uncouth
If we open our minds, we just might see the truth

For far, far too long humanity has engaged in a protracted and destructive vendetta toward zombies. We observe the zombies laboured peregrinations with steadfast mistrust largely due to our own conditioned response to the unfamiliar. We instantly access an excessively limited conclusion base with rapid, negative assessment. While the genuine vile can easily placate our fears with casual smarm, our collective disdain is reserved for zombies. We hear their weird cacophony “brains” and assume ill intent. Hollywood movies, which control so much of how we think, have long depicted zombies as completely malevolent, ghastly ghouls driven by nothing more than blood lust. Ladies and gentlemen, we have made a grave error.

Celebrated anthropologist Dr. Carver Epitaph, renown for his knowledge and large nose pores, wrote in a recent volume of the New England Journal of Anthropology and Cookware, that in the nether regions of Purgatory the language spoken is Aramaic. Those deferred to Purgatory are absorbed into a realm amid an ancient language and custom. Imagine, all of a sudden, a rogue comet comes into contact with Earth’s atmosphere with the inevitable consequence of Purgatory denizens traumatically returned to their corporeal haunts. Of course they will emerge from the earth. Upon exposure to elements, skin aggravation becomes painful. Zombies are not malicious, they are in pain.

The word ”brains” in Aramaic means goat. Anyone who has seen the passion of the Christ knows that (thanks Mel Gibson, we get you, and we thank you). When they cry “brains”, zombies are begging for goats. Goat’s milk is a noted topical soother for aggravated skin. Certainly, someone who has spent several years devoid of sun, buried underground in a dry environment can be forgiven for having skin aggravation. Surely we can be tolerant enough to understand that. Or can we? Dare we venture beyond limited perception and discover something actual? It is not our nature to do so. Until such time, until we can open our minds, until Hollywood better depicts the noble zombie, until Mel Gibson gets involved, until then zombies will bear the brunt of human scorn.

Sure, perhaps zombies, removed from terrestrial custom, could better express themselves on the corporeal plain, but can we not extend at least a standard level of tolerance toward them? We allow mistakes daily, do we expect perfection from zombies? Must a mistake lead to a zombie’s unqualified relegation? Have we ever asked if we can be of assistance to the roving zombie? No, we simply shoot and run. We must try understanding. Next time you see a zombie, ask it how its day is going. Comment on a popular local sports team. Suggest ways in which said team could be vastly improved. Comment on the weather. Reach out to zombies. Offer some goat’s milk. Suggest aloe. We can end the misunderstanding between man and zombie. Then there will be a new level of enlightenment. And the children will hold hands and sing hallelujah. Hollywood will then have to find a new villain. A more deserving villain, like mummies. Mummies, now there’s a scourge, what with their wasteful use of gauze. Have they not heard of Kyoto?