Monotonous

The move to drop the interrogative inflection from speech was initiated by a group of monotonists based in Maple Creek led by Jen Ott, Will Nil, and Jim Boe. Known as the Maple Creek Three, the monotonists began protest to inflection in response to personally suffering from single syllable names. In pronouncing each of their names, never had there been a need for accented phonemes. All multi-syllabic words have points of emphasis. Feeling the sting and pang of emphatic discrimination, the three ventured forth breaking into the Webster printing plant and removing all accents from the dictionary. Teachers the world over assumed the eradication of emphasis to be intentional and began speaking to and teaching students in monotone. Monotone language soon caught on. Moved by some notion of syllable equality, it was not long afterward monotone became all the rage. When Tom Cruise monotonously portrayed Napoleon in the bio-epic “He Wore Lifts”, the Academy awarded Cruise all awards that year. Even languages such as the sing-songy Finnish adopted monotone lest the multi-syllabic be so favoured.Soon, all movies were dubbed by the greatest of monotone actors. Sir Lawrence Olivier’s ‘Hamlet’ was replaced by Vin Diesel’s monotone. Songs and orchestral pieces were transcribed into single note works with consistent measures. Mozart’s Figaro overture now featured a series of B flats. TV commercials now relied on computer generated voices to ensure perfect monotone. The only exception allowed was the interrogative inflection.People still needed to indicate a question. Interrogative inflection was the last bastion of vocal emphasis. The Maple Creek Three felt that the last emphatic acceptable had to go. Only when speech was entirely monotone would all syllables be equal, all names, all words, all voices. T-shirts and signs were in wide distribution. “Fairness for all syllables” and “equality of all words and phrases”. For all the ado, there were pockets of those less enthused. Who would rise with the remnants of passionate voice to stand against the monotones? The students, the artists, the unsettled among us? No, this fight had fallen to the accountants. The leader of the underground movement was Gabriella Polychronopoulis. Gabriella had once known the richness of variety in her name. Saying it just once represented a perfect line of iambic pentameter. 5 distinct points of emphasis, lost to the movement. Could colour be next? Accountants had black and red pens, would that soon to be lost to some monochromatic scheme of non-differentiation? Would the world become grey? The accountant’s souls burned with a fire never before sensed. Always considered dry, little did anyone know that within each accountant was a voice strong and undeniable. While presidents made speeches, business leaders hovered over bottom lines, and Hollywood was distracted by car chase movies, it was the accountants led by Gabriella Polychronopoulis who rose as one crying “Not one inflection less!”Bill S-21 sat before the UN council for passing various laws for the betterment of mankind or simply laws that seem to make sense or have a lot of support. The UN council for passing various laws for the betterment of mankind or simply laws that seem to make sense or have a lot of support would this day hear from both sides before making its ruling.The Maple Creek Three arrived amid much fanfare. The limousine had to activate its wipers for the confetti was overwhelming. UN council for passing various laws for the betterment of mankind or simply laws that seem to make sense or have a lot of support would hear from the Maple Creek Three first. As they exited the limo, the three were greeted by a stringed orchestra playing a long series of g notes, their favourite. “Equality for all sentences” the crowds droned in perfect, hushed monotone. Once inside, the Three made their way to the podium. “Thank you ladies and gentlemen. The UN Health Sciences Board has noted that since the ending of emphasized syllables the incidents of pneumonia, strep throat, and laryngitis have decreased 75%. No more are we so subject to the vulnerabilities of vocal systems. No more do we invite bacterium into the recesses of the laryngeal area. Instead of medical bills, we have money for thimbles, low cost housing, and spinners on our hubcaps. There is, alas, one last bridge to cross. One last frontier to save our tonsils and free our pocket books from the dirge of unnecessary lozenge expenditure. We need to no more employ the interrogative inflection. We can simply begin an interrogative statement with the word, ‘question’. It could not be more simple. Question, is evolution not the quest to make life easier.”“Here, here” the assembly droned. When the chair called for Gabriella to make her case there were hum-drum murmurs from the gathering “scoundrelous”. The task before Gabriella and the accountants was grand indeed. “That was quite the argument.” she said with obvious sarcasm. The assembly rustled uncomfortably. The emotion emitted from the inflection causing a sense of the unknown they had not experienced since the days of wild chatter. Gabriella continued, “Communication is more than words. Inflection can emit sincerity, add sugar to praise, or infect with enthusiasm. I recall the wild chatter days, we were all concerned with how inflection had become more important than words. The way we said things became more important than what we said. It’s why we bought Enron and that lemon from Dave’s Used Cars. The question of equability for all syllables gathered momentum when it was pointed out that mono-syllabic names never experienced said inflection. While I feel for the phoneme challenged, we have all lost. We have lost the capacity for expanded communication. Why must music become only a hum?” The crowd gasped at the display of defiance. Gabriella was asking questions with inflection. At once the accountants rose and sang. “Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily merrily life is but a dream.”The French contingency rose “Stop this madness”. The Russian delegation threw up their arms “They are using different notes for the same song, stop them, we must have order.” It was then Gabriella spoke again. “Honoured assembly, do not be alarmed. Listen.” The accountants continued to sing. The Tazmanian ambassador began tapping his toes but quickly caught himself and hid his head in shame. Then the tapping became somewhat less voluntary. Soon there was a clear tapping of toes happening within the assembly.The accountants began another verse, after the “row, row, row your boat” then called out “Brazil, join in!” Beginning with an unsure stutter soon, the entire delegation was singing. “Belgium! Begin.” And they did. It continued throughout. Even the Dutch sang out. When the chair called for the vote, the interrogative inflection was saved. The Maple Creek Three left disappointed. Once safely inside the limo, they too were overcome and began yet another chorus of row, row, row your boat.